The Reportedly
THE EVERYDAY EDITION · 7 November 2026
DOMESTIC AFFAIRS
Man returns from big shop without item he went for
Sources close to the fridge describe the situation as ‘developing’ as £43 expedition fails to secure milk.
By our Household Correspondent
A household inquiry has been launched after Dave returned from the supermarket with crisps, batteries and a seasonal candle, but no milk. The expedition, which cost £43, had been authorised for the express purpose of obtaining milk. A receipt seen by this newspaper confirms that several unrelated objectives were achieved instead. Dave said he had been ‘distracted by the middle aisle’, a statement investigators described as familiar. He has declined to comment on the candle. Tea-making operations remain suspended. A second trip has been proposed, although no one has yet volunteered to put their shoes back on.
We have a candle called Autumn Comfort. We do not have milk.A source close to the kettle
Biscuit reserves under review
An emergency audit has confirmed that the good biscuits are gone. The remaining rich teas have been placed on standby.
Corrections
Yesterday’s claim that Dave was ‘just popping out for one thing’ has been withdrawn. We regret the optimism.
A parody newspaper. Made with Reportedly.